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by Nathan Buck

In an effort to address some of the questions our website and radio show get at WorldviewWarriors.org, we are selecting some for our bloggers to respond to. You may see these pop up from time to time, so keep an eye out.

A question we get quite often is, “How far is too far to go sexually with a boyfriend or girlfriend?” really is a good question to ask. Just asking the question is the start of defining some healthy boundaries in the relationship, and examining what is God’s best for your relationship.

Let me address four things to consider:

1 – If in asking the question you are really asking “How far can we push a passionate moment before sinning?” then you need to step back and examine your heart. If God is most important in your life, then pushing boundaries and getting away with making out would not be something you play around with. A loyal heart doesn’t cheat, and it doesn’t worry about getting caught. A loyal heart doesn’t push the edge as far as they can go without getting in “trouble” or “caught.” A loyal heart chases purity and integrity, and it protects itself and its love interests from wandering near boundaries. Here is a simple practical example: for a young man, a French kiss feels like an upward invitation to a lower invasion. When a couple understands this, in the interest of purity, it may be a good idea not to participate in something that raises desire to follow through with intercourse. This is where both in a couple need to be wanting God’s best first, and be willing to talk to each other and parents about what “pushes their buttons” and would be wise to steer clear of. Without that level of friendship, maturity, and commitment of faith, romantic involvement of any kind should be avoided.

2 – Please read 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. This one almost speaks for itself. As followers of Jesus Christ, and because of His grace and forgiveness, we have great freedom and should not fear if we make a mistake. We should, however, be aware of the consequences of our choices, especially when it comes to sex. To have sex with someone, whether oral sex, mutual masturbation, or full on intercourse, there is a bond that happens in our mind, spirit, and body. We are uniting with that person, sharing in something physically with that person that is designed by God to be exclusively with one person of the opposite sex. It is meant to be a bond expressed in the presence of and with the unifying power of God’s Holy Spirit. It is meant to be with someone of the opposite sex, and for life. If this relationship is not moving toward marriage, then you may want to consider what your real motivation is in dating this person. Sex IS the physical expression of a marriage commitment.

3 – I had a friend in high school whose father was a gynecologist. He was not a practicing Christian, and yet at lunch one day when the subject of sex came up, like it usually does in high school, he mentioned that he was not having sex with anyone who was not his wife. I was shocked to hear him say it, especially since he was part of the punk/metal/forerunner to goth/emo crowd. So, I asked him why he was waiting. He said his dad had taught him from medical case studies how the male and female sex organs are designed to shape together over repeated sexual encounters between a male and female. When people have multiple partners, it can cause problems with the sex organs because they are bending and reshaping with each new partner. He said he learned enough that just knowing the effects of changing partners once wasn’t worth the risk to him.

Now I am sure that our bodies have a tremendous capacity to adjust, and there are many people who have had a spouse die, or had multiple partners and apparently have few or no issues. But as a young person I took that medical information to heart. It impacted me to realize that every part of my body would be affected by sex, and that my body would even try to form a perfect fit with the woman I was with. The preciousness of that actually deepened my commitment to stay a virgin until I was married. Consider the sacredness of your body shaping to a unique fit with someone else, that is meant to be for a lifetime.

4 – The mind is the last place I am going to address, but the first place where purity is tested. Jesus said, “if any man looks at a woman lustfully, then he has committed adultery” (Matthew 5:27-28). That means our first compromise of our values, the first compromise of our commitment to Jesus Christ, the first compromise of our purity with our boyfriend/girlfriend is in our thoughts. If we are lusting (imagining having sex with someone), we are actually practicing a compromise of our physical purity.

So, there are four things to consider in response to the question of how far is too far. My questions back to you are: Are you actively seeking to honor God with your life? What are you doing to decide your boundaries before you are in a passionate situation? How will your relationship show that God is first, in your life and in everything to two of you share?

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