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by Eric Hansen

Merriem Webster offers a few definitions for the word suicide. At its core, each definition is rooted in “destruction of oneself.” When people decide to act on this, most write a letter in some fashion outlining what led them to the decision. Due to the sensitive topic this tends to be, I will preface this now with I am not looking to follow this action. But, on a personal and (more importantly) hopeful message for anyone who is dealing with such considerations, let me explain how the significance of not committing suicide physically led to me doing so spiritually.

While I was in high school, I went through a lot of depression. I experienced much of what adults call “cliché emo(tions)” as a teenager, however real they felt to me at the time. Many times I thought of committing suicide. I remember to this day the vivid hold that I was once under. Everything was planned out and perfect, but something also kept telling me not to. It was a matter of seconds between go and no-go.

I was far from a Christian then in 2004. I was reading the Satanic bible, and I was a strongly-proclaimed agnostic. So to me, it wasn’t God trying to love me til the literal very end.

The connection to that and the present day is staggering as I think about these things under a new light. I can sit here, filling my lungs with the air God blesses me with, and say I’m both dead and alive. I committed suicide in a very real and direct way back in 2018 when I committed my life to Christ, and yet I am living a whole different life. There are a lot of similarities between surrendering your life to Christ and the normal view of suicide, as you’ll see below.

Matthew 16:24-26 is a very popular passage when it comes to understanding surrender to Christ and stepping away from your own desires for the betterment of the Kingdom. But there is so much to unravel with just those 3 verses.

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.“

Back then, I didn’t want to deny myself. I’ll call a spade a spade and say I was egocentric in my thinking; I was only focused on my pain, hurt, and despair. I wanted to give in so much, yet at the same time I couldn’t. That was the most fearful part of the experience for me.

This is also one of the hardest parts of becoming a Christian for many, myself included, especially in the individualistic cultures such as America where it’s every person for themself. You have to learn to basically kill yourself; kill your desires to have control to really build that relationship with the Father.

That cross, no matter which scenario we’re talking about, is so unbearably heavy. I get why many people go through with it, but I also get why just as many don’t. Both of those nights, I slept the best in a long time. In both situations, no one knew any differently, that I was going through those thoughts, until I spoke about it.

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

To lose your life via physical suicide is ultimate. There is no going back from it when successful. Yet when we become Christians, we tend to only lose part of our life – our old self. Many still compartmentalize their faith and “let” God see parts but not the whole.

Looking back at it, I believe that when I contemplated suicide as a teenager was the first time in my life I felt God’s love just tearing into me to shine His sanctifying light into my soul. I continued to ignore the light for years to come, but He never left me no matter how much I ran away.

Now, as a Christian, the view is a little bit different. I was okay with dying from my old self to become new, but I didn’t know what that looked like. As one not brought up in the church, I felt like no one really understood the confusion I had no matter how I tried to explain it. What it finally took was just reading the Bible and long-night prayers that caused me to literally cry out to the Father.

“For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”

When you (try to) commit suicide, you’re forfeiting your soul to the reasoning of the action. For me, I was forfeiting to the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me.

When you surrender to Christ, you’re forfeiting your soul to Christ. For me, this is letting go of having control over everything.

I really wish I could say that the span of time between 2004 and 2018 was full of great discoveries, peace, etc., but very few moments come to mind. I went through some bad relationships before finding my soulmate and marrying her. The feelings of desertion from those who I thought were close to me only grew deeper. It truly wasn’t until 2018 when I started realizing what unconditional love meant. Yet it took even longer for me to realize what grace really is. It’s important to realize that Christ is so close to us that not only did He die and resurrect for us, but He did so to bring us in such a deep relationship with the Father. He took our sins upon himself on that cross, bleeding out in agony with his bones slowly breaking, out of love for the Father and us.

I saved my teenage life to continue living in a hell that had marginal improvements throughout, to end my old life and live anew. It wasn’t until I realized I needed saving that I also realized I already had a savior. Have you committed spiritual suicide through dying to yourself and allowing Jesus to save you?

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