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by Eric Hansen

Anxiety seems to be a topic I either talk or write about frequently. It’s definitely a part of me that evil tries to use against me, and it succeeds so very much. In fact, earlier in the day that I wrote this article, I had some pretty intense panic attacks and didn’t even know why!

At the start of this year, I committed to God that I would treat Him as the ultimate authority above all else. Whether that be decision making, desires, paths to cross, etc., I decided to make a conscious effort to consult and pray with petitions for it all (Philippians 4:6-7). While I have failed at that more often than not, ultimately this is an important piece to recent events that have caused some significant anxiety within me.

With that commitment in mind to God, it had been a drastic whirlwind inside. There were moments where I was as cool as a cucumber, and other moments where I was as frantic as a person drowning and unable to swim (speaking from experience). The balance has definitely been a struggle in being able to keep grounded in faith. The turning point, though, for all of this happened after “suffering” constantly for a few weeks.

I really hadn’t been in God’s Word like I knew I should have. How else am I really going to hear God if I’m not focusing on Him? Even though I had been praying to God all throughout this to either keep the path clear or destroy it as you please if it’s not your will, I needed to be obedient to God. I woke up one morning at 4:30 AM in a panic attack. The first thing I did was dig into my devotional book of Jesus’s parables. I can’t say that the parables helped, but just reading the Scriptures and thinking and meditating on them started to bring me peace. The parable I read was about the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-8). The significance to reading this in my emotional state was realizing I needed to be more persistent in praying to God and what I pray on. If I truly wanted God to be my guiding light through life, then I needed to seek Him more constantly.

I wish at this point I could say that everything was peachy, that the weight of anxiety started lifting. But reality had other plans, slapping me with more anxiety and testing my commitment and reliance on God. There were some periods in that escalation when I felt like giving up on life, asking if things are worth this. Not only did the original matter become a bigger part of the anxiety, but another problem arose as well that made it even worse. These are the times where you often just know evil is trying to create that division.

Ultimately, though, it helped me to remember what sin is. (Check out recent writings by fellow blog writer Charlie Wolcott for more on this.) At its core, sin is any separation between God and man (or me in this case). This means that the increased anxiety trying to consume my thoughts, dreams, and life was trying to separate me from God by directing my very soul to the problems I was dealing with. The sad thing is, I had no control over either problem, so I was having all this anxiety regarding things that I couldn’t do anything about to begin with. So then why was I allowing this division, this sin, to happen to begin with?!

It was at these revelations that I realized I needed to just focus on God. I needed to acknowledge the anxiety, fears, and thoughts but let the Prince of (amazing) Peace come save me. After all, if I'm telling people He’s my Lord and Savior, why am I not depending on Him as such?

I have a Korean-English bilingual bible that has hymns in it. My thought wasn’t to go to them, but I ended up opening the Bible to one of them. In fact, what I opened up to was a hymn called 너 근심 걱정 말아라 (Be Not Dismayed Whatever Betide) that has a repeating phrase of “God will take care of you.” I would say this greatly reminded me, especially as I kept re-reading the hymn, that God will in fact take care of me. This then led me to reading the psalm it is inspired by (Psalm 91), which I read a few times. In fact, I even read it today while having a pretty noticeable panic attack. Through my reading, I have been praying to God, praising and bringing my fears to Him.

Things aren’t perfect by any means, and I’m still fighting anxiety pretty heavily. But reading Psalm 91 brought me to reading through Ephesians (with a heavy heart towards chapter 6). This whole exchange has tested my ability to rely on God, to trust Him with things in my life, and to realize just how wonderful and peaceful He is when I’m in His presence. I don’t regret having had to go through all of this, and the talks I’ve had with people also guide me in it. Right now, my spirit basically demands more Scripture, and I try hard to satisfy that thirst.

Amen.

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